Trusting Your Child

The two most important aspects of trusting one’s child are when to & how to. When to trust your child? Basically, as often as you can trust your child’s judgement, particularly when it is about their own personal needs. This can be a tough one because as a parent we always want to make sure our child is well fed and warm. However, the fact of the matter is nobody knows their own personal needs better than they themselves. Basically, as much as we want them to be full and warm, they also want to be full & warm. So, instead of taking over completely work with them on these things.

Aside from being respectful it is being found that those parents who let their kids take lead on things like how much they eat, sleep or what they wear, make a better relationship with their needs. If your child is paying attention to his needs from an early age and receiving guidance on how to properly meet those needs, he will be obviously more in tune with them. Hence, believe them and their emotions.

Parents have a significant role in how their children develop trust. If you would like to help your child develop more self-awareness and have more trust in the relationship, then model that trust. Parents act as a role model for their child so if you falter, most likely your child will also falter. Hence, your actions and words always need to match to explain the true meaning of being trustworthy

Being Honest with your Child

When word “Honesty” is mentioned, to the most it sounds being honest in their speech. Honesty in speech is just as important as it is in child raising. Our ability to honestly relate our emotions, needs & wants to our child is usually underplayed or misunderstood. Two major reasons for this are:

• The child is not entitled to listen to the information because they should just do what they are told.
• We should hide our emotions from them as they are not mentally equipped to deal with them.

The problem with the first of these two traits of thought is that we are depriving our child from the great opportunity to see how their actions would be and should be perceived and we are completely shirking our responsibility of teaching our child how to interact with people. If they are not exposed and taught about the emotions, wants & needs of those around them by parents then how would they be able to take their emotions into account or understand them. So, does that mean every time our child upsets us it’s okay and we should turn into a hulk. No- Parents should remember that they are modelling and they should set up a good example. We should set an example in front of them about the best way of handling the emotions.

First step is to articulate the emotion, need & want that we are dealing with. So basically, it is about having an open dialogue with your child about your feelings and preferences. Obviously, this would be different at different ages. We would be less honest about our emotions with toddlers than our teenagers. For e.g., your toddler wants to read the story book for the eighth time in one sitting so you can say that “I am so happy that you enjoy reading this story so much but we have already read it so many times now and I get tired. How about we read another story or another book.” Now the important part is not that you don’t read the story again its more about you relating your message with an emotion and telling your child that you also have an emotion about the current activity which can be different from the one they are experiencing. This tells them to consider your emotion as well while carrying out an activity. Hence, making them aware of emotions. If the situation calls for then you can also negotiate with your child like “I am feeling tired and bored so can we do some other activity after reading it once more.” 

Let’s take another example, if your toddler starts whining for something, refrain from rewarding their behavior. Even if they are doing this because they are tired or hungry, don’t jump at their request. Instead you can tell them that you understand that they are tired or hungry and would certainly help them but whining is not the way to get your attention. If they need anything they need to ask nicely only then they will get your help.

However, your response with a teenager in a similar situation would be different as they have a better understanding and experience than a toddler. You can tell them that you know they are upset or frustrated but the tone in which they are talking is inappropriate. Not only it is disrespectful but also undermining their goal of soliciting any help from you.  So maybe they would want to restate what they said in a nicer and respectful manner.

In both the situations you as a parent are being honest with your emotions and child. It is crucial for you to develop this trait in them from an early age. Positive directions are hugely helpful when it comes to teaching life skills. Honesty should not just be in our speech but also in our emotions, wants and needs.

Behavior Modification In Children

Dealing with the child’s difficult behavior is often a prime area of concern for parents. Most parents think: How can I teach my daughter to keep her room clean or my toddler to stop running away when I ask him to stop playing and study?

These types of behaviors can be changed. And parents play a necessary and critical role in modifying their child’s wrong behavior as no one knows the child better than them. Firstly, parent’s need to understand “what makes their child engage in such behavior?” The goal is to figure out the cause behind that behavior and to replace it with the right behavior.

Let’s see the areas on which the parents should focus to bring a positive change in their child’s behavior.

Specification

The good or bad behavior of child must be properly defined. For example, poorly defined behavior would be “acting bad or good” whereas a well-defined behavior would be running around the room (bad) or starting homework on time (good).

Measurement

Once the targeted behaviors have been identified, the measurement of frequency of its occurrence is of utmost importance. Eg. Fights with sibling once a month/ twice in a week/ thrice a day etc.

Prioritization

Decide what behavior needs change first and what behaviors can be dealt with at a later point. As all behaviors cannot be changed at once so targeting too many problem areas might not produce success.

What came before and after

To understand and respond effectively to problematic behavior, you have to pay careful attention to what came before it and what comes after it. There are three important aspects:

• Antecedents: Preceding factors that make a behavior more or less likely to occur. Anticipating antecedents is an extremely helpful tool in preventing misbehavior.
• Behaviors: The specific actions you are trying to encourage or discourage.
• Consequences: The results that naturally follow a behavior. The more immediate the consequence, the more powerful it is.

What Reward Could Change The Behavior

Every behavior has some sort of reward. Children derive rewards out of problem behavior. It can be as small as getting a chocolate or a toy after incessant begging, getting everyone’s attention after a loud cry, feeling independent after an argument or winning love of others by crying etc. Behavior can be changed by providing the desired emotional reward after positive behavior instead of negative.

Catch your child’s positive actions or behaviors and reward them for that to motivate the kids to do that particular behavior more often. For e.g. give the child the freedom of choice (choosing the color of one’s clothes/ choosing which game to play etc) if he uses his manners and does not argue. Likewise, catch your child's negative actions or behaviors and offer him some sort of consequence like taking their favorite thing away.

For a child who behaves in a negative manner just to grab the attention, the best thing is to ignore the child’s behaviors and not react at all. This way he won’t get what he is seeking i.e. attention. The child will eventually decrease this behavior when he will see his parent not giving in.

But parents also need to remember that all problems in the children might not reduce to their satisfaction at once. The aim is to reduce those behaviors first that are interfering with their adaptive functioning. Eventually they will start making the right choices and exhibiting the right behavior.

Sowing the Seeds of Self Esteem in Child

Children between the age of 3 to 6 years are very curious about their environment. At this stage many things influence children's self-esteem like his innate abilities, his experiences with people surrounding him etc. They begin to understand what behaviors are acceptable and what are not and whether they are capable to carry out those socially approved behaviors. Their self-esteem rise and fall in cycles from day to day. One day they feel good about themselves but the next day even if one thing goes wrong, they end up feeling worthless. Hence, it is essential for parents to assure that at this stage their child’s sense of purpose overpowers his sense of guilt.

The first step towards gaining this is to understand that the child cannot differentiate between ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ behaviors. Hence, he might engage in several ‘wrong’ behaviors. But this does not mean that he is behaving in a bad manner because he is stubborn, naughty or just wants to disobey you. He is just curious and wants to “get it right”. For example your child will try to lift or pull any breakable item he can reach. It is not just because he is mischievous but he wants to gain a sense of mastery over that task.

It is essential for the parents to help their young ones through this stage. They need to boost their child’s self esteem otherwise he might end up believing that he is not capable of performing socially approved behaviors. He will manifest low self confidence and might withdraw into a shell.

A parent needs to understand a child’s motivation behind such behaviors and should essentially communicate this understanding to him. It is essential to convey that you appreciate the child’s curiosity and does not think that he is mischievous or stubborn.

Let’s understand this with an example.

Unhealthy Communication:

“DON’T touch the lamp. Can’t you listen? How many times do I have to repeat?”

Meaning of the message – You do not wish to listen to me and always like to trouble me.

Child's understanding – Mom/Dad thinks I am bad & stubborn. They do not like me.

A Healthy Communication:

“Baby, do you want to lift the lamp? Okay. But I think it is too big for your little hands and it can break. If you anyway want to pick it then try lifting it along with me. We can both hold it. Or, why don’t you try lifting something which is smaller and can fit in your hands.”

Meaning of the message – I understand that you wish to lift the lamp; however it could break as it is too big. Let us try doing this together or you can try to lift a smaller object.

Child's understanding – Mom/dad wants to help me do this. They are concerned that it might break. Let me see if I can hold it along with her.

It is necessary to keep in mind that the child may not always obey you even upon healthy communication. We need to be firm but polite and let them understand that they will not be allowed to lift the lamp alone. They will then adhere to one of the alternatives given to them and with time will start abiding by what you tell them.

Good Parenting

Raising kids is one of the toughest and most fulfilling jobs in the world. All parents need a little advice now and then. Here are a few tips on “Good Parenting” that will encompass everything we should do as parents to raise an emotionally intelligent child.

1) Create a Good Relationship with Your Child
It takes a lot of wisdom and intentional efforts to have a close bond with your child. From infancy through age 7, kids spend a lot of time on the floor. We as parents should also be down there with them. But for the older kids the world is different. Children who will feel connected to their parents would naturally want to please them.

2) Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem
Kids start developing their sense of self as infants. They absorb every expression of their parents. A parent’s words, actions etc. affect their self-esteem more than anything else. Kids with low self-esteem are not able to accept their weaknesses. They generally exhibit low tolerance for frustration and a sense of pessimism prevails in them. Whereas, kids who know their strengths and weaknesses are more realistic and optimistic. They are more comfortable in social settings and tend to enjoy interacting with others.

3) Fit Parenting with your Child’s Age
Age has a significant effect on a child’s behavior. A parent needs to keep pace with the child's development. When a child behaves like a child, it’s wonderful. Don’t push him to be an adult too soon. There is no hurry for him to become an adult. Let him live and enjoy his age.

4) Set Limits with Empathy
A child should also be aware of his limits. Discipline is necessary to help a child differentiate right from wrong. It helps kids choose acceptable behaviors and develop self-control. But make sure not to micromanage your child. One surely needs to set limits but with empathy.

5) Treat your Child with Respect
A child treats others the way his parents treat him. When a child feels good about himself, it’s easy for him to make others feel positive. A parent should praise his child’s good behavior and help him realize how good it feels to be generous with others. Respect his opinion so that he learns to respect your & others opinion.

However, there is no correct or single method of raising a child as every child is special & different but surely a few parenting tips go a long way in ensuring a child’s happiness.

Communicate Effectively with Your Child

Imagine a scenario- Your child has studied hard for his exam and is well prepared. As he is about to leave for the exam you start giving the last minute instructions.

Instruction 1- Perform your exam very attentively. Finish it on time. Don’t leave any question unanswered. Don’t commit silly mistakes.

Instruction 2- I’m glad you studied hard so now be confident and give your best. I am sure your hard work will pay. Just relax, smile and have fun while doing your exam.

Now let’s analyze which set of instructions is better.

The first set of instructions is deciphered as “You are usually inattentive”. “Most of the times you leave questions unanswered.” “You commit silly mistakes.”

Whereas, second set of instructions says “You have done what all was required.” “You will definitely succeed” “You don’t deserve to worry so just relax and enjoy what you will be doing”.

In the light of the above, which set of instructions is better? Clearly the second set of instructions. The child who receives first set of instructions might even succeed sometimes but he would succeed with a continuous pressure of living up to his own and others expectations. And during this he would not be able to enjoy what he is doing.

One day he would get exhausted trying to prove himself which may further lead to decline in performance.

Whereas the child who feels adequate and relaxed & enjoys what he is doing will continue to perform consistently and even improve.

What should parents do?

Every parent wants his child to do well, to achieve and get good marks. They want this so that his child proves to be a fulfilled individual in life. But in this pretext parents often start giving their child some negative messages without even being conscious of it. Unknowingly, the negative messages steer the child away from his sense of adequacy and creates a low self-esteem.

So, remember to be conscious of your words. Boost your child’s confidence through encouragement and praise. Give him a reassurance that whatever the result, you will be very proud of his effort and achievement. Just give him that smile and ask him to enjoy whatever he is doing. J